What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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