I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
