I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
