And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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