The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Come on in and take your pants off
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