this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
