I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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