I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
