You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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