I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
