Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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