When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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