The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
