i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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