Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
