...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
