i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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