i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy