We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if only i could text you this smell
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
