my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks