you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out