No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
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Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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