Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?