Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.