i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
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Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
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unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.