I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
