Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
