I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
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Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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