Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
