All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
