I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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