Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
