He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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