3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
