Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
