casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
