he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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