dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
