Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
