My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
