Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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