as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
