I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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