y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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