there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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