dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
