too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
