He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
