Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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