piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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