If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
