just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
