I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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