I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
