you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
