when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
