I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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