Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
