he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
