rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
