put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
